Yes, You Did.

My mom likes to keep tabs on me online. All I need to do to know she’s watching is mention her on Twitter.

Today my mother denied ever abusing my sister or myself. She denied ever hitting us. She denied ever hurting us.

So let’s be clear.

My mother neglected me to the point that I got a 3rd degree burn. Afterwards, her neglect continued until I developed a massive infection and lost most of my left breast. It’s already covered in this blog.

My mother HAS hit me, although mainly just across the face. She preferred the neck splitting slap to the face. Did I mention I had a massive scar on my neck? Any smart mouthed word was enough to earn the slap, which at times was enough to split my burn scar open. My step fathers (both) were fans of whipping you with a belt on bare skin.

I’m a smart mouthed woman. I was a smart mouthed child. This is something you deal with, not something you beat your child about.

Over the last few days, I’ve been binge watching “Orange is the New Black.” It was funny, it was serious, and then, it was triggering.

Woman on woman violence will never stop triggering me. I will never stop being afraid of other women. Even though I still consider myself bisexual, I know that the choice to be with a man and not a woman is still at the back of my mind. I am afraid of other women. It’s hard for me to be friends with other women. I have very few female friends. I’m sure my husband thinks I’m exaggerating. He’s never met her, or dealt with her hoarding and filth. When I see another woman get angry, I get scared.

In nursing, I primarily work with other women. I’m a crier. I get shaky and scared if another nurse gets mad at me. Slowly, I’m getting tougher, but I know I would have calmer reactions if I wasn’t so terrified of another nurse  getting violent on me.

My mother has called the President of the United States the N-word. She has called him an idiot, and other degrading terms. She considers herself a Constitutionalist, but I seriously doubt she’s ever read the Constitution. She has changed religions with her husbands. As much as she likes to deny that she is a racist, she told me to “stay away from black men, because every black man wants to fuck a blond woman.” Seriously, mom? So very untrue.

She denies ever hitting me. She denies neglecting me. I have two surgeons who have told me the same story that I’ve written about before. My mother neglected me, she was threatened with social services, and finally I got treatment. I also have my grandparents and father to reiterate this story.

If 5 people tell you one thing, and one person tells you something else, who is the liar? When there are copies of medical records to back it up?

Doctors don’t get in touch with social services unless it’s a last resort. It’s a huge pain in the ass.

My mother thinks I judge her because she has medical conditions. I don’t judge anyone for that. If she really hated having children around so much, she should have given us over to social services. Yes, it would have been horrible. I have no doubt. Instead, I got to hear that she should have had an abortion, that I stole her youth. I got to deal with her attempts to rope me into Amway and steal my identity.

After I started consistently calling out her bullshit on Twitter, she cleaned her feed up. She stopped calling the President nasty terms. She started complementing black people. She has an ulterior motive. She always has.

She WAS abusive. She WAS neglectful. Children learn what they are taught, and all of that is inside me, even after years of therapy.

I will never have children because I know I have it in me to abuse a child. I met a man who doesn’t want children. I think I would love to be a mother, but I will never deliver a neck splitting slap to another human being.

I am a good person. I am trying to be a better person. This struggle will never end, but I know I will never be you.

About Grimalkin, RN

Trying really hard to be a decent person. Registered Nurse. Intersectional Feminism. Poet. Cat. Political. Original recipes. Original Stories. Occasionally Questionable Judgement. Creator of #cookingwithjoanne and #stopcock. Soulless Unwashed Carrot. This blog is dedicated to my grandmother, my beloved cat Grimalkin, and my patients.

Posted on July 24, 2013, in Family, Shrink Me and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. I’ve written and erased half a dozen comments. I’m simply amazed at the caring woman you’ve become. Bravissima.

    I’m also eternally grateful for my younger sisters and brother, as well as my mom.

  2. Having never had to deal with a mother like that, a MOTHER of all people, I cannot comprehend it.

    My own mother was loving, gentle, kind, and put her family before herself every single day… I cannot imagine the pain and suffering that comes from growing up in the environment which you describe. I have been abused. Not by my parents, but by a trusted adult figure, as well as in a past relationship, and the only thing I can offer is the hope that you are able to release it one day, not for her, but for yourself.

    My heart goes out to you, for what you had to go through, and I commend you for speaking out about it.

    Our scars are there to remind us of the adversities we have overcome to reach the place we are this moment; they reflect strength, not weakness, and a determination to persevere. While my heart aches for the innocent little girl that had to endure those atrocities, my heart cheers for the beautiful (inside and out) woman you have chosen to become.

    Sending thoughts of confidence and serenity your way.

  3. Sounds familiar! I love my Mom, but she’s a bit from the “old school.” She beat us with wooden spoons, swore at us relentlessly, and thought it was funny to dress up in Halloween costumes and chase 5 year old kids around the house with a butcher knife. Holy shit! No wonder I’m so screwed up, but she was loving and taught me a lot of other good principles. Take the good with the bad, I suppose. Good post.

  4. Wow. I am so sorry you had to go through all of this and that now that your mom does not even admit to what she put you through. It sounds like you are an amazing and strong person!

  5. Wow. At least my mom admits to being abusive. Holy shit.

  6. You have the same problem that i do…I was so afraid to have a child because my dad was abusive, i never wanted to hit another human ever that scared me so much. When I did get pregnant I didnt realize until i read your story that it was my mom that scared me more than my dad I havent scene him in 20 years dont want to either but he wasnt gonna hurt me it was her that was there her that was hurting me hitting me threatening me and she continued to do so until I got married and little did i know i was marring someone just like her someone that was gonna treat my kids just like she treated me it was awful but now that the kids are grown and gone they understand i didnt treat them that way nor would i ever so they should never treat their kids that way…which i guess is why i am telling you this that just because something is in you and you remember it does not mean you should do it or treat other people like that…men or women. I am afraid of both!

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